I tell you what.  It is not easy taking care of you three when I am sick.  It's hard on all of us actually.  Wyatt, you were at school a lot, so except for breakfast, and supper, I didn't have to do a whole lot for you, but Levi, you got the worst of it.  When Maverick didn't need me, I just wanted to hide away and not do anything.  You got neglected.

One day coming home from care n share, you cried because you didn't want to go home.  when we pulled into the driveway you said to me "mommy, I don't want to be here"  I realized how much being in the house with a sick mother was sucking the life out of it.  It's definitely a motivation to try to stay healthy, and not ignore my body when it hurts.

I am feeling better now, and we had a great day playing yesterday.  Too bad Maverick wasn't sick too... but that's life isn't it.

DIRT!!!

So, I was so looking forward to ditching the whole 20 minutes to get you boys out the door routine(winter clothes ugh).  Then I remembered today that I had to replace it with the 30 minute bath after you come in instead.

How in the heck do you guys get SO DIRTY?????  Every time you step out the door, you are instant grime balls.  And then you track it in the house, and the bath gets more use than any other time of the year.  Dirt dirt dirt.

The only advantage to the situation is that there is no way you guys can go to bed at night without being squeaky clean.  I love tucking my clean, cuddly (baby powdered hehe)boys into bed at night.

I want to go upstairs and pinch all of your cheeks just thinking about it, but I have to go scrub your dirty grass stained clothes, and the floor that's covered in mud instead.    xo

Thank you for forgiving me

As an adult who has lived the last 30 years making mistakes, I have learned that it is ok to forgive myself.  But now I have 3 little tiny humans who I also need to forgive my mistakes on a regular basis.

I want to thank you for doing it... every time.

I am not a bad mom.  I am not a horrible person, but I still do stupid things that hurt peoples feelings.  People like you three.   When I have a bad day, and I tell you to go play all day long.  When I say we will go visit Nanny, and I say screw it, I don't want to go.  When I promise the new game, and then realize it isn't in the budget.  You always forgive me.

I hate disappointing you, and I promise that I do not do it on purpose.  Over the last few years I have learned to make sure that I can do what I say, and give what I promise.  But some days, that just doesn't happen.

Yesterday I had a bad day.  It wasn't your fault that I had a bad day, but I did.  And it affected all of you.  I wanted the day to be done, and I really wasn't in the mood to be a mom yesterday.  I wanted to be a lazy woman who didn't get out of bed.  I went to bed that night (finally) and thought how horrible I was.  I didn't give one ounce of the motherly love that I felt I needed to give.  I didn't give words of encouragement.  I didn't  play, or have fun.  I just sat and waited for the day to be done.  But when I woke up this morning, you all smiled at me, and said good morning, and I knew I had another chance.  I got to have another day to be great, and you only cared about how great I can be today.  Not how less great I was yesterday.

So thank you my loves.  With all my heart, and hopefully yesterday was just one of those days that I can learn from for the future.  xoxo  

sometimes you grow so quickly, other times, I wish I could make time go faster

Maverick, seriously.  Learn to walk!  You are 15 months old, and over 30lbs.  I can't carry you around all the time any more! I would also like you to learn a few more words, but that's just personal preference.  I am 99% sure you said Amelia today though.  I was so excited, and proud of you for that!

Sometimes Wyatt, I wish you could understand me better.  I know that some day you will, but I just fear that our clashing personalities will permanently damage our relationship.  I try to understand you as well, but again.  We are so alike.

Oh, Levi.  I don't even want to write this.  You do everything at your own pace, so why  bother trying to push you for anything?  I grieve for you going to school as much as I rejoice it. I know you will do so great, but at the same time, it will force you to age without your control.

Tomorrow I will wish you were still babies I imagine, but today I am looking at your futures, and excited for all you get to live and experience.

Wow, mom fails all over this place

So, Wyatt.  You had to miss a day of school because you ruined your only pair of shoes.  You are in town today with your grandfather wearing your dress shoes because you have grown out of or ruined every other pair you own.  I feel like I should have prepared for this.  But you were happy to get to spend the day with Grampy.

Levi, you are such a smart boy, but no one is going to know this if you refuse to speak to any adult but your mother.  I have been told since Wyatt was a baby the importance of socializing you guys with other children.  It never occurred to me that you would have an issue with being socialized with other adults.  Now  I have a woman on the school board who thinks I am either ignorant or in denial because I wouldn't send you to a special program to learn things that I know you already know.

Mav, I haven't screwed you up too bad yet, thank God.

The things that make you different

Wyatt, I love you.  You are  always thinking ahead.  You are always thinking about the next thing.  You are always wanting more.  It makes me crazy sometimes, because I feel like nothing is ever enough for you, but it makes you more driven to get what you want.

Levi, I love you.  You never do what the norm is.  If the whole world says black, you say white.  If the whole world wants more, you want less.  You are a 5 year old boy who loves to cuddle, and watch smurfs.  You like figure skating better than hockey.  You like to be home, when everyone else wants to go.  But all you ever want to do is be happy.  You work the hardest you can to make your world a happy place.

Maverick.  I love you.  I feel like I hardly know who you are yet. But you love to smile, and you love your dad.  And grampy too.  There isn't a toy in the world that you would rather play with than looking out the window.  And you think the dog is hilarious.

You three are all so different, and I love seeing every day what you come up with to make my life more interesting.

the things I worry about

It's getting to be the time of year.  Dad doesn't work in the spring, which means money's tight.  It makes me worry every year that we will not be able to give you want you want as well as what you need.  I never want you to feel like you are going without.  But I cannot give you the world, or that $100 dollar lego set you want so much.  And sometimes, I wish I could just tuck all three of you away at times like these, like dolls. So you wouldn't' have to deal with the stress of everyday living.

It is times like these that I worry if I am raising you right at all.  Maybe it shouldn't matter to you that you don't get what you want.  Maybe we have spoiled you all, and that was wrong.  Maybe we are sheltering you from a world where money doesn't grow on trees and times are tough.  Maybe in this world, you should be tougher.

And then i worry that you will be the children on the playground who have the holes in your shoes, and the hand me downs.  And the kitchen hair cuts. It's a vicious circle, and as parents, we are screwed one way or another.

But I know one thing we are doing right, and that is that we love you all enough to worry about these things.